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mystarsandgarters
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Name: Jennifer
Gender: Female
Interests: Lots of things.
Expertise: Being alot less amazing than I actually could be... or seem to be.
Occupation: Student.
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/29/2006
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| she says
"DON'T GO."
to the dark.
suitcases.
sometimes pretty
fully packed.
waking up from
bad dreams
that feel
REAL.
rest assured
you'll find
love.
then
the
end.
i keep
seeing you,
walking
around in my dreams.
i know
it must be
you.
will never
stop being you.
heart's
become rotten
like teeth
that won't
comb the
finest of sands.
"WAKE UP."
she said.
but the dream
just won't
end. | | |
| i don't even know if people read this anymore.. but in case someone who cares is reading this...
Justin & I broke up on Friday night. it was a good thing. it wasn't sad, wasn't bitter, wasn't nothin but mutual separation.
so i'm single. completely single, meaning that i have no prospects whatsoever. it's a very strange feeling.. i've always had someone... now for once, there's no one.
i can breathe. | | |
| i was just completing my rounds-myspace, facebook, vccs email, xanga- when i noticed a banner on the top of my window. "Kissing quiz" is what it said, and i thought to myself... how on earth can you tell the quality of your kisses by taking an online quiz? and who says what a good kiss is? seriously, it is mind-boggling.
many things have happened since benjamin left. i've noticed what happens when a brother or both brothers are gone. a) people don't randomly drop by. i don't mind this one though... if i am alone at home and haven't called anyone, there is no reason why they should 'drop by.' b)nobody comes over. ever. this is my fault though. c) mom stopped buying groceries and making big meals, so the fridge is the emptiest i've ever seen it. EVER. plus, dad is on a low cholesterol diet, so when we do have meals, they are low fat low cholesterol craziness. i actually think i've lost weight in the past two weeks. d) it's quiet. eerily quiet. e) mom and dad leave without telling me where they are going. they just leave.
i think i need to get into video games again or something. i am going crazy. all i do is read and watch tv. which doens't make any sense because i hate watching tv.. there's never anything on so i just flip through the channels for hours. i think it would do me some good to play some really involved adventure type rpg game. or maybe i should just go out more.
i'm really happy. no, really. i listened to pete yorn yesterday for the first time in like 6 months without crying. that's HUGE.
i keep getting the feeling that i'm doing something right. this is right, whatever it is.
i'm quitting and i'm breaking up. i'm studying. i'm being creative. i'm saving.
my heart is safely back inside my chest. and it is a beautiful thing. | | |
| i had fun writing that last post. i really did... even though it had absolutely nothing to do with anything. i've been writing alot of stories lately. i never finish them or even get close to fully developing a plot, but i have fun writing ridiculous bits of things that have nothing to do with anything. (they sort of have to do with things but in a very vague way)
i read through some things i wrote while in KC. i think i might post some of it... i don't think i ever accurately explained what happened to me there, and what exactly i was going through... but it has alot to do with certain things that happened before i left that maybe should remain vague at this point. what i can say is that my heart is very raw, and i have done alot of things since that i probably would never have done.. have said alot of things i didn't mean... have allowed alot of bitterness to settle into my musty attic of a soul. why is it so much easier to be real in a blog? why can't i do anything but be ridiculous face-to-face? why is it easy to keep to myself, to be alone night after night of my own will?
anyways it has been a few months since i've been back. it's about time i figured out where i am. and where God is.
down in the ditch where i almost served you... up in the clouds where you almost heard me.
oh, and, my heart is elsewhere.
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| Down we go, away. Away… Down we go, darling.
Here it is, all over again. I never cease to stop drowning; I can never get my head underneath the water long enough…
I thought I saw a rabbit, all of black to do, scampering tipsily aside the bed. It is ill lighting, I fear- my rabbit was most likely my love’s ghost or my soiled stocking being toted by an over-large cockroach. I have many of them, these friends of mine. They remain when human companions vex me too greatly to be of use. Thus do I sit alone, old maid in training, wasting talent, beauty, and top-class flirtation on a 17-inch face that glares back at me with disdain. I cannot even befriend an loverly inanimate object, though it serves me aright.
Sometimes I can imagine them (those draped in black, porcelain faces all askew and morbidly beautiful) well… I can imagine them hoisting his coffin down into the permafrost. The fog barely touches the skin of white-cheeked cherubim, sobbing his life to the ground. To see such a handsome aspect of man, so ill-used and misunderstood; to see his elegant frame lain away, cold and brittle, in the unforgiving earth. Ah! Such a sight as to claim the pity of the harshest, most critical of his mates… it should pain my heart utterly, but give me great satisfaction all the same. I was never his muse, though he caused me a great amount of artistic vexation.
My heart has gone on vacation. It has been in Helsinki for quite some time now. I wonder though at it’s choice of a vacation spot… I never thought Finland to be exotic, leisurely, or at all very interesting. Perhaps it will come back refreshed from its reverie, though I have my doubts. A much better choice, in my opinion, would have been Tibet. For I was one of the few to be made aware of my heart’s purpose in making such a trek, though I am sworn to utter secrecy. The advantage of Tibet, from my limited knowledge of it, is that one may find oneself without all the distractions of a “progress”-inclined society, and perhaps most importantly- from love. Who finds love in Tibet? I’d very much like to hear of it!
On a much more interesting note: Mr. Frijhiad, who himself is from a small village fifty miles from Helsinki, proposed to the ravishing Miss Hortence. Last I was aware she had not given him an answer, and was much more inclined to a rejection, if I judge her character rightly. She is altogether too headstrong, that hussie! Mr. F is a very delightful man, with only a few negative qualities (if one doesn’t mind the webbed fingers, whiskers, and the smell of wet fur) and I don’t see why any woman shouldn’t immediately accept his paw… I mean hand.
Other news: Herrbrand and Auoumbla gave birth to one child with two heads. They named her Grendel.
Iphigenia was resurrected by an English philosopher. She immediately sacked Rome with her army of Inferi, then asked for a large bowl of goat entrails. Details were not given concerning what was done with the said entrails.
The Midsummer Sacrifice went off without a hitch, thanks to all of you who volunteered and attended. Much appreciation to Jukka for providing his virgin daughter Gefjuna for the altar.
Also thanks to Marvin, who will ever keep me bored and unentertained. Marv, I’ll miss you.
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